Monday, May 6, 2013

The mind of an unraveling artist

I know it has been about a year if not more since my last post upon this blog.  I write this to those of you who will one day stumble upon this blog in complete and utter silence, which is rare for someone like me who can not function with out music.  But in order for my emotions to stay pure that is a step that I must take.

I am an unwinding unpredictable spiral of decay and depression.  I have been for quite some time now, each time I kick myself in the ass to get back up, I fall right back down into the pit from once I dug myself into.  This is nothing new, but with out the distractions from schoolwork and projects to keep me occupied I found out how raw and unkempt I have always been, and how I bottled up a lot of frustrations inside of me.  It became a nuisance.  A fly that would always buzz around me as I worked, at first it did not bother me.  I was gearing up to become something great, only to let myself down.  I got commissions, I did my piece to complete them.  I publicized myself between working a job that drains the soul from you every day.  Each night comping home the one thing you don't want to spend the rest of your day behind is just another computer, buzzing away on some project as that fly became a mosquito... and it grew... Each day becoming larger and larger it would not stop, it flew circles.  You start to realize that your deadlines you won't meet.  The faces of the dissapointment around you as you struggle with your dreams as the on lookers shake their head in doubt,  Another victim of the Art school crime.  Penniless, artless, nothing to show but some drawings and an empty degree.  People ask about your dreams to pat you on the head and say that is nice, as that mosquito is not a leech.  No longer just at your computer but in your head, in your hair, you can feel it crawl on your skin in everything you do, in every day of your life.  It grows.  Now you can't even bare to touch the stylus or the pencil, it holds it away from you, it keeps you from your dreams.... A wall... when you grasp the imagination away from that pool of disappointment and ooze... the self doubt and corruption of your own thoughts and fears crushing you under it's weight... struggling to push out the inkling of a line... Rushing....You spend every ounce of your energy just trying to fight it off long enough to at least grasp an idea... for it to drown you again.

Then you wake up... lying in bed, watching the time slip away as you continue to fight with yourself if making food even worth it anymore.  your heart and imagination struggle to lift the dead weight of your body from the covers, as your mind and self have given up.  You know that it is gone... You feel so alone... You have friends who smile and laugh, you laugh along pretending that nothing is wrong.  Avoiding awkward moments and uncomfortable stares, you keep the facade glued to your face of your happiness... Your family tries to help... but every word only hurts you more.  You are stabbed by the ones you love the most, but of course you don't have the heart to say it.

But then one day, you raise your voice.  You wake up one morning earlier than before to roll into work and have to teach people a topic you barely even know.  I always plan too much, I freeze up because I must plan in advance... and that's when everything changed.  FUCK IT.  there is no other way to say it.  No other polite way to get out of the bear's claws of anxiety attacks and emotional break down.  You break away for 2 hours, you strut your smile and you keep fighting to play like you know it, no scripts, no rehearsal, a grin from cheek to cheek not keeping you or your onlooker's down.  That was the day I no longer feared the crowd.  That bear shrunk in size.  You speak up in a meeting, your words hit the hearts of many... You say FUCK IT, stand up, share your thoughts, and its like a movie.  They clap and cheer, you playfully bow before having another moment in that meeting just moments later.  They look at you and smile. and that is the moment where tomorrow becomes today.  You break through your shell, only to emerge either the victor or mortally wounded.  I have wasted enough time staring into the screen of half finished pieces with emotions that I dare not wish to speak of.

So... Why do I bring this up?  why do I struggle on?  For those of you who can't because I know yesterday I did not see the strength that I had brewing with in myself.  It is time for one to get up and finally fight before the battle is over.  I have so much that I am now ready to show you, ready to show the world.  Starting what is now today, I will be finishing up last touches on older pieces that I want to showcase, but also post works that I will not finish at the current point in time.  The next 2 days is to catch up and build the things that I have not done in the past year.  I can't go on like this anymore, there is too much at stake for me to sit and continue to stare into the screen waiting for something to happen.  because here is the thing that I have learned....

YOU.  You have to happen.  Me.  I must happen.  I have the confidence to go on, and I have to fight off my demons to do so, and I know you can too.  We all have greatness built with in us, but only those who keep fighting will achieve.  So with a thoughtful post... and news to come in the next few days of my progress, I present to you with out further delay,  The life, the fights, and the continued struggles of Michi Segal,  Illustrator, Sculptor, Crafter of things beyond your imagination.